letter 011: roses to bloom
dear junk mail club,
recommended listening: not a lot, just forever - adrianne lenker
lots of friends of mine and i do this thing you may have heard of called “rose, bud, thorn.” the idea is that everyone shares a rose (something positive in their life at the moment), bud (something they're excited for), and a thorn (something negative or a setback). as of recent, i feel like my whole life is a bud, roses waiting to bloom. there is an overwhelming sense of hope intertwined with clarity. so much feels possible and within reach—more than within reach actually. that sounds as if i’m stretching all my might to grasp at something i might not ever touch. everything feels tangible now.
i get very anxious while flying and before flying. it’s this whole thing if you know me. the slightest turbulence will spiral me. however, i’ve gotten into doing this thing to calm me down where i look out the window of the plane and picture myself kind of like superman speeding through the air, ducking in and out of the clouds. no cape, soaring through the sky. purely playful. seemingly endless, spinning through the air with no hesitation. that’s how i feel about everything at the moment—the version of me outside the plane window.
third time’s a charm. i learned to love new york city this time. i was not feeling so good mentally before the trip, so going to new york seemed like the worst idea—i was going to be sleeping on couches and bouncing between places in a city that is always bustling. slowing down was what i thought i needed. isn’t that what i always say in these letters? i think i’m just a slow paced guy. however, my good friend lucian is visiting america from new zealand, and he got on my ass a bit about getting flights and made sure i was going to go with him to new york. i knew i owed him this trip. he traveled halfway around the world already. still, i was dreading going, but he dragged me along and i’m so thankful for that.
i think comfortability can be a limitation to the way i approach living. i love to be comfy. random and unnecessary, but i got a new bed kind of a while ago and it’s so comfy. upgraded from a twin to a full size one. no more postcard boy, i am postcard man now. anyways, i love having no schedule for a day, sitting for hours at the jetties watching the sailboats roll in, and spending the night in. being pushed way outside of that zone and having to embrace new york resulted in the way i feel now—which is the happiest i have felt overall in a long while. don’t get me wrong, even over the course of the week it has taken me to put together this letter, i’ve had my ups and downs, feeling as if i’m in a haze. i’ll blame the jet lag. but i’m consciously reminding myself of how possible everything felt by the end of the trip. it’s not as if i’ve suddenly figured out exactly how my life is going to go. i’m still wandering and i’ll still bump into things i don’t mean to, but i’m a little less lost than i was a week ago—and that’s a sensibility to celebrate.
on the last day of my trip, i met up with ryan and nick of boylife and their roommates. all of which are the sweetest people. side note, they are way too good at super smash bros. it was embarrassing for me. i’m not going to sugarcoat that. i got three-stocked nearly every time. however, that brief hangout with them before my flight the next day was a big influence on the way i feel now. happiness and hope. it gave me the feeling that for at least the next few years or maybe forever, my friends and i could hangout and make music and everything else would work itself out. i know there is a lot more to it than that, but let me be corny. i’m going to own it while i can.
i would love to invite you guys to be a part of a project of mine that is in its early phases. i’m not sure if it will become a song, part of an album, a video, a zine, or all of the above. i want as many people to be a part of it as possible. all you have to do is send me a voice memo or voice message of you saying “a light in my life is…(whatever that may be to you)”. it could be anything from “my sister” or “my best friend” to “watching sailboats roll in” or “blaring music in my headphones.” whatever makes you feel good, safe, comforted, or alive, share that. :)
upload it here: https://www.dropbox.com/request/eJlEzn5opvdisNGqZWSS (you may have to upload a video if you are on your phone. i don’t need to have a video of your face or anything so feel free to just speak into the microphone and upload that)