letter 008: a collage of otherwise forgotten thoughts
dear junk mail club,
i like the title for this week. i think it sums up all the letters well.
recommended listening: jenny, andrew & me - lilys
i had quite a panic the other day. i was rearranging things in my room and trying to reinvent the space i live in to feel more fresh and inspiring. now i don’t think i helped out my mental any bit by having had three coffees in the last twenty-four hours and skipping dinner the night before, followed by a bad breakfast the next morning. well, fast forward to the afternoon when i’m in the midst of my rearrangement.
my bed is diagonal across the room. my laundry is littered around the bookshelves that hover in the middle of cords and the goldfish bag i knocked down trying to slide that table to the other side of the room but the legs kept getting caught in the cracks of the floor. spilled. i swear i’ve been drinking water today. i need to vaccum up where the rug was. i can’t fit this desk through that door. i just dented the wall. that wall is too empty now. i need to draw something to fill in that void. i need to change into shorts. fuck. my jeans are too hot. what the hell is this outfit. i wish i hadn’t started moving all this shit around. i won’t be able to sleep tonight because my bed’s not in the corner. i haven’t gone outside all day. i haven’t talked out loud. shrug. quiet scream because i don’t want the people outside the apartment to notice me. call her. she doesn’t have service. it doesn’t even ring. send it as a text message. call me back please —
that was an attempt from me to verbalize my thought process the other day. such a haze. felt like trying to see at dusk, that time of day when my eyes can’t focus on anything for some reason. my brain darting like swerving freeway lights. sweeping lanes, accelerating left and right, jolting the headrest. there wasn’t an exit in sight.
i had this thought in the car on the way home from the beach. how everyone is searching for a life of purpose as all the motivational speakers say. but some days, like the panic one i described earlier, and other such days where there is this looming “off” feeling. all i want is aimlessness. i don’t want any of the future insight or past nostalgia. i don’t want to be concerned with what’s to come or what i should be working towards, i want to do nothing. maybe that is my purpose sometimes, aimlessness. it’s nice to be wandering and have the liberation of no intention at all. i’m getting better at reading myself. writing these makes me figure it out a little, too. spell it out for me. brains work too fast when you let them spiral off into daydreams. and hopefully every so often maybe a phrase of mine will resonate with you. or maybe you’ll laugh because something i wrote is so dumb. and there you have it, aimlessness bringing you a smile, or maybe you’ll close the computer or your phone and get on with the day. either way, good.
i’ve been going to the beach again every morning. i hadn’t been in like a month. the beach is a lifelong friend of mine. to not spend time there i think i began deteriorating. im kidding, somewhat. but i’m trying to be a better and healthier version of myself. i used to just youtube binge a lot of my day away. got really into criminal psychology videos and the videos that are like “occupation” breaks down “occupation” in movies. i also watch a lot of skate videos and the nine club podcast thing if you know. but now i’m starting my morning with practicing guitar for thirty minutes. i’m truthfully not that good at instruments, but i make it work for my music by doing hundreds of takes and chopping them up. i just want to be more knowledgeable and have more to draw from when i create my own stuff. i’m going to start listening to more albums and watch more films again, read more interviews, learn others’ processes, others’ techniques. i’m becoming a student to it all with more intention. just a little time each day dedicated to learning and practicing whether that be my thirty minutes of guitar, or taking my camera with me when i go for a walk or to a friend’s house.
i also used to have lots milkshakes for a little bit, baskin robbins oreo milkshakes to be specific. i loved every one of them i ever drank since i was little. there was a baskin robbins down the street from my house growing up. it went out of business during covid though. :( the pink-spoon door handles are the only thing left there as a martyr. where am i going with this you might be thinking. so much about milkshakes. they mean a lot to me. my close friends know this.
well i’m also trying to eat healthier and i’ve mentioned this in the past, but i want to be a chef. i would love to be good at cooking, so i’m going to do it guys. i grilled the other day at a friend’s house. i don’t have much experience, but some corn on the cob we made ended up coming out great. tin foil wrapped with butter. twenty minutes, rotate every five, if you were curious. nothing crazy. but it inspired me and now i shall begin my chef journey. my girlfriend laurie will hold me accountable because she loves cooking, but i rarely join in. times are changing for the better my friends. maybe we can throw an event one day where all the artists also have to have their own cooking booth for the audience in attendance.
p.s. if you thought this letter was a farewell to me buying milkshakes, you were wrong.
yours,
garrett